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Man, Cigarettes Are Cool
Humphrey Bogart is cool. James Dean is cool. Smoking is cool. Being thin is cool. Smoking cigarettes will make you thin. Given the Achilles-like choice of dying thin, groovy and young or dying old, boring and healthy, what would you choose? A popular news agency has a list of famous smokers with one thing in common, other than their enjoyment of smooth nicotine relief: coolness. Bogart, Dean, John Lennon, Edward R. Murrow, FDR, Frank Sinatra, Solid Snake, Hunter S. Thompson and Kurt Vonnegut all unashamedly munched on death sticks. If you want to be cool like them you should smoke, too. Smoking is on the rise all over the world. Phillip Morris, the largest tobacco corporation in the United States, made $30 billion in profits last year. Although smoking has decreased in the United States, the number of smokers is increasing in Japan, China and South America. Europe has 215 million smokers. Smoking crosses international barriers of communication. According to a pro-smoking agency, smoking improves information processing, enhances motor performance and protects against Parkinson’s disease. A study by C.J. Lee at Kentucky State University found that smokers are usually thinner than non-smokers, even when they ingest more calories. In addition to causing “cancer,” smoking induces weight loss. Being thin is an obsession of our age. Five to 20 percent of college-age women have eating disorders. The George Mason Counseling Center says, "Traditionally [women] have abnormally low self-esteem, a desire for perfection, a sense of loneliness and isolation, and an obsession with food as it relates to body weight.” According to this same center, “fatism” is predominant in our society. “Like racism and sexism, fatism is a prejudice based on physical characteristics. Many of us consider fatness equivalent to laziness, dumbness, ugliness, self-indulgence and lack of will power.” The message our society seems to be sending through the media, according to many women’s counseling centers, is “be thin or no one will love you and you will die alone.” Americans in the early 2000s reached a historic milestone: the majority of our population is overweight. You would not know this if you watched the evening news, movies or anything that required looking at images. Except for that one fat girl on The Practice, and horrific Todd Solondz movies, TV shows us that only thin women with facial symmetry and large breasts are desired by hunky, successful men. Girls of America, what will make men find you more attractive, smoking cigarettes that make you thin, or stuffing your face in gallons of ice cream and self pity? Self pity has no weight losing properties, but cigarettes do! If you’re a teenage boy, you need to let girls know that you're “bad” without the pesky danger of jail. Buying a leather jacket is a step in the right direction, but what was one generation's “Rebel without a Cause” can become tomorrow’s “gay biker.” Telling the teacher that you “play by your own rules” can get you sent to the principal’s office. The key to getting girls – other than being athletic, good looking, rich and those superficial things – is smoking. Want to talk to a cute girl but can’t find the right thing to say? Forget “we need to talk." Try “wanna smoke?” Offering to smoke with a member of the opposite sex in your high school years is a dangerous way of getting a girl alone. Wonderful Phillip Morris brand tobacco products enable you to separate the one you want from the pack of heavily made-up blondes legally mandated to be at her side at all times. Asking a girl for a smoke is a non-creepy, socially acceptable way to be alone with her, in addition to making yourself look dangerous. Girls love “dangerous” guys and don’t love guys in juvenile prison. Take note, kids: cigarettes are cool. Can’t buy them? Ask your lazy older brother or sister who sits around watching Family Guy all day. Cigarettes have been smoked by the cool of past and present. They make you thin, attractive and cool. Critics of cigarettes claim that they kill people and cause lung cancer. Lung cancer is not “cool,” they claim snootily while trying to get you to eat your broccoli. Lung cancer is not fun, but if cigarettes can make you look great, many people in our society would take the trade.
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